The Heartless Angel

It's been a while.

2007-08-12T18:30:36Z

It certainly has. What has been going on in my life? Let's see... Nothing. I have done a few things since my last entry, but the only things I can remember at the top of my mind is helping Laura move out, quitting college, and joining a roleplaying forum. Sadly, that last one has been the most worthy of saying anything about, but I don't want to. So I shall write of the other two events. I helped Laura move out of her house a few months ago. It's a nice place, however, I think it's a bit small for her. It would be perfect for me, though. The moving part itself wasn't too bad, but if I ever have to move a bed into a van again it'll be too soon. She doesn't have a phone yet as far as I know, so I don't have way to talk to her. Also, I don't know how to get to where she lives because I'm lousy when it comes to directions. Not that I have a way to get there on my own anyway.

While it's not official, I have decided not to go back to college. I just can't deal with it anymore. I said it before, I graduated high school and that should be enough, and if it's not, then this country really needs to get its act together. My grandparents and my dad aren't happy with it, but they'll deal with it, and if they can't, f*** them. I appreciate that they've taken care of me all my life up to this point, but I can't become what they want me to. That's pretty much what this country isn't about, and yet they, especially my grandparents, act like communist. I can't help but believe that most families are like this, and that's just another reason why I don't want anything to do with families anymore. The only thing I have to do now is get a job. My dad said he could get someone to get me one at a Burger King. Eh, as long as it's not the drive through or register, I'll be happy. But I guess I'm gonna have to go with what they give me, if I even get a chance to apply there.

So, I guess it goes without saying that some big things are going to happen within a month's time. Either I'll be at my dad's, I'll be working and living at my grandparents, or I'll be on the streets. I can't help but think that the last one is the most probable.

Figuring myself out: The failing project.

2007-04-23T02:32:41Z

For almost a year now, I've been trying to figure out why I think the way I do, why I do certain things, etc. But I seem to have reached a point in which I am not doing anything anymore. Every week it's the same thing. Get on the computer, watch TV, play video games, and go to school. I've been doing nothing else for the past month or so. The charkra thing I mentioned in my last entry? I only bothered myself to take a retest to find out the strengths of each of my chakras. My friends? The last I talked to any of them was when they called me which was over a month ago. Trying to figure myself out? That stopped around last week when I discovered this particular problem. I've stopped doing things and just do the same mundane things over and over. I really am falling into nothingness. Soon, I'll probably stop watching TV or, God forbid, stop playing video games. (Or at least different ones.) I don't know why this is happening to me or when it even started. I couldn't gather when I've stopped doing certain things from my previous entries. There's a road block in my mind that was created out of repetition, and the traffic is already in a mile-long pile up. It's stopping all new thought from being passed through, and any that does break free is forgoten almost immediately. I've already forgoten what I wanted to say, so now I'll have to end this here.

I need a release.

2007-03-25T02:34:18Z

So much emotion in me right now... and yet I feel nothing. It's like there's so much going on in my mind that it's literally pressing against my brain and damaging it, preventing me from knowing what I'm feeling. I've been keeping my emotions bottled up for too long. And because of that, anger is taking over and... that's not a place I'd rather not ever visit again. I don't like being angry, even worse so when I've been pushed too far. I've been angered directly in social situations, but not like this. If I keep holding myself like I'm doing, I would really hate to see what happens. I'm like a f***ing bomb right now, mentally and emotionally reaching critical mass. I usually end up in a fight when I'm angry, but that's when I'm with someone (Primarily the one causing it.), but there's no one really upsetting me now. I'm not sure what will happen when I'm by myself when I reach my limit. I might go on a ballistic rampage and break whatever I thought was useless, as though I was trying to keep my rage under control and not break something I shouldn't. I might just start wounding myself, something not entirely new to me. Not knowing what degree I would hurt myself is a big concern for me. I also might just hurt someone in my family, like if some little annoyance just sets me off, I may just start swinging at nearest person. Not the most likely scenario, but I'm not going to rule it out either. I feel I need someone to talk to. Anyone. Not a friendly conversation, but a serious talk about life and whatever. But... I'm not sure I can get anything out while talking to someone. If I don't do something, there will be some sort of destruction. All I can do by myself right now is just put a tighter hold on my current feelings, and express my new ones.

As I think back to my older posts, it seems I have a knack for predicting trouble about myself. Considering the circumstances now... I just want to cry at this point, but I can't make myself do it. My heart may just shut down, I am probably going to be mentally and emotionally unstable for possibly the rest of my life, and I will most likely end up hurting everyone I know. I guess I f***ed up real good. That still doesn't stop my spirit from holding on, though. I won't quit that easily, but I won't exactly do anything either. That's me in a nutshell I suppose. I'd put something up about what's going on in my personal life, but you can't put up something that doesn't exist, now can you?

The inevitable.

2007-03-09T22:20:36Z

Well, it finally happened. My grandparents found out that I haven't done any of my online class work. They got a bill a few days ago saying that because of my class being deleted, I was now a part time student, and now the grants won't pay for my classes. I wasn't expecting something like that, but I knew they were going to find out eventually. The only thing that sucks about this is the bill itself. $1500 for this semester. They were perplexed as they didn't know how anyone was going to pay for it. Seems as though the bank account they set up for me isn't an option, but they have not said a word about it. Either they want to keep it for themselves, or they haven't even thought about it. Either way, a lot of money is going to be spent by us. This is mainly my dad's fault. If he hadn't forced me to go to college, my grandparents wouldn't have to be stuck with the bill, but I guess they have decided not to send my dad the bill because they know he can't pay for it. It seems we think alike in some ways, but I believe my dad should be the one to deal with it. The worst part about this is I haven't told them I failed a few classes last semester, and possibly failing at least one this time. I just had my ear chewed out by my grandfather about how I should take advantage of the grants, that he had to go to night school in the army, and blah-de-f***ing blah. I choose the way I want to live, not anyone else. If they're putting me through something they think will benefit me, they need to check with me first cause after that, I'm as ignorant as I possibly can. I just want to be left alone without me f***ing around with anyone else's lives. I want no help from anyone. I want to make my own decisions for my life. But I can't tell them that yet. At least not until I get this bill crap dealt with.

On a side note, I have messed around with the page's color scheme a couple days ago due to boredom. At least it doesn't have too much red as it did before. Alas, I'm still not satisfied with it. I guess you get what you pay for.

In other news, I've decided to work on my chakras. My strongest one, the third eye, is balanced enough for me, but my other ones are horribly lacking. I need to start working on my state of mind, try to balance everything out so that there's not so much cluttered stuff to go through. Considering me, this will be an life-long task... but it needs to be done. If I am to figure myself out, I need to put things in order, much like a story, so that do not end up confused. So, I've got a lot of work ahead of me. Maybe I'll have more to write about when I'm done.

Typical life event: I don't know what to do.

2007-02-03T17:36:13Z

Here I am again, not knowing what to do with my life. I think I'm just going to drop out of college at the end of this semester. I was going to transfer anyway. I can't get into this "continuing education" thing. If I can't have a decent standard of living with only my high school education, then this country sucks ass. I honestly don't ask for much. I can live in a small apartment or whatever, as long as I have my video games, a kick ass computer (Whether I build it myself or not.), and a high speed Internet connection. After that, I wouldn't care if my only bed was the living room couch, the biggest room is 10 x 10 feet, and my diet consisted only of microwave meals and Ramen noodles (Ramen rules). I seem to have misled myself from the point (Whether there is one or not.). If I can be content with an average life style, why am I doing extra work to get it? I wanted to get a job as soon as summer was over, but instead I'm going to college. Also, before I got a job, I wanted to get my driver's license. I should've gotten that at the very least at this point. No. I now have less than two weeks to practice for it before my permit expires. I know I can get it renewed, but what's the point? I wasted an entire year, and I have no more than five hours of driving time. I'm pathetic and that's all there is to it. So now I'm just going to college, doing minimal work, and not really doing anything with myself because I don't know what to do. The only thing I have been progressing in is my games, be it on a console or online. They're the only thing that has been making my life worthwhile, at least to myself.

I need to get something done. As an ultimatum, I need to get a job, but I should get my driver's license first. I owe my friends so many rides, it's ridiculous. Speaking of getting a job, I really don't know where to work at. At this point, I guess I don't care. Taxed minimum wage is better than nothing at this point. I want to lament some more, but I don't feel I have enough to work with yet. All it would be is just repeating myself consisting of topics from a few entries ago.

One word: Zombies...

2007-01-08T00:12:37Z

Oh, the events that has occurred since my last entry... College break, Christmas, XBox 360, Dead Rising, New Year, my birthday, etc. Well, here I go. I'm on my college break, having failed, I believe, three classes. I go back on the 11th. Christmas was bitter-awesome as I shall explain. Awesome part: My aunt, uncle, and cousins visited us from China (Luckies...) for the holidays. They're doing well over there. We had fun spending time with each other. For Christmas I got a XBox 360 along with Dead Rising to go with it. (More on that later.) Bitter part: I spent all but five dollars out of my savings and checkings account. Considering what I got, it was worth it. I'm looking forward to the new year as my resolutions are to get my driver's license and a job. I'm 19 years old now and quite dissatisfied with myself. Other than actually attending college, I have done nothing to improve or better myself as a person. I'm still not sure on what to do on that. There's my short recap of what has happened during the past few weeks. Now for the big news.

Concerning my last entry, I had made true to getting a XBox 360. It was because of my friends's purchase that led me to get this powerful system, but it was more so of Dead Rising that led to this. Dead Rising is Capcom's latest game of their popular genre: survival horror, which includes zombies. For those who have played the Resident Evil series thought that you were dealing with enough zombies through one play of the game, I must laugh at you immensely. There are thousands and thousands of zombies to go against. For a better description of the game, think of this as Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead combined. Just about everything in the mall is a weapon, and the mall itself contains every kind of store you can think of. Kill insane people and save the sane ones. Yeah, it's that awesome. I have been playing that game at least six hours a day now. My best achievement so far has been killing over 53,594 zombies which unlocks the Mega Man Buster. Best. Weapon. Ever. 300 rounds of pure death laser blasts. The best part is that you have an endless supply in the "base of operations." I've hacked, slashed, smashed, blown up, shot, blasted, impaled, tasered, beheaded, disemboweled, and even run over well above 200,000 zombies since getting this game. I even had some dreams involving zombies. This game is addictive and I love it! I'm not sure when I'll quit and play something else, however unlikely that sounds. While on the subject of games, I played Guitar Hero 2 at my friends's place. It is pretty challenging. You have to hold a button on the guitar-controller and "strum" up or down on a switch to play a note. It's just as addictive as DDR and does take some time to get a feel for it. I MIGHT get it, but I think getting a new system has overly expended my video game quota for a while. Oh well... I'm done here. I don't feel like putting anything up at the moment. I guess I'm gonna have to start putting more entries at shorter intervals so that I can put more stuff than just one or two subjects like my usual habit is. And to quote the great Frank West (The main character in Dead Rising.), "Well, we're up to our necks in zombies. Yeah, I think I appreciate the situation just fine."

Still thinking: my curse.

2006-12-03T00:53:47Z

It has been quite an interesting month, November. Getting a new game, being bored out of my mind in college, witnessing war between my parents and grandparents, Thanksgiving leftovers, and Black Friday. OH. MY. GOD. Black Friday has to be THE worst day to shop, ever. The only good part was seeing some people ravage a pile of stereo systems at Wal-Mart as soon as an employee lifted the veil off of them. The night before I had slept over at the Brinker's house so that we could get to the stores as early as possible and with good reason, too. I had only gotten four hours of sleep before I was awakened by the distinct calling of my name. I opened my eyes slightly only to see one of the twins look down upon me. The first words I muttered that morning was "Son of a b****..." and with good reason, too. I sluggishly got dressed and took off on what seemed to be a good idea at the time. When we arrived at Wal-Mart, there was a very lacking of parking. In my sleep deprived daze, I was fantasizing about taking out a gatling gun and blowing the crap out of the cars. I blame GTA:SA. Anyways, the first thing we did was traverse to the electronics section of the store. My friends had decided to get an X-Box 360. Despite my loathing for the console series (Mainly due to the fact that it's Microsoft's evil spawn.), it was pretty damn fun to play. I'll have to get one eventually. The waiting in line for nearly an hour had no positive effect on my consciousness. After getting the 360 and games and dropping it off at their house, we then ventured to mall per my request. Laura and Chris were shopping there as well, so we met up and chatted a bit. Our next destination was going to be Electronic's Boutique, but there was a line that could reach the pizza place across from it. So that was pretty much abandoned. We went back to home base, played some games, and I had myself a few naps. The main reason it sucked was because I only had four hours of sleep and my brain was all pissy 'n stuff. Apparently it only got 4 hours of sleep as well. That's the best of the events that took place, here be the worst.

My dad and his girlfriend got into a quarrel with my grandfather over a week ago, and now I have to stay at my dad's house overnight so that he and his girlfriend would be willing to take me to college. This was definitely my "Get out of jail free" card, but my good side wants me to keep going to college and not screw myself even further with my family troubles. I hate that side sometimes... So now I either have to get my driver's licence ASAP (Yes, I still don't have it.), or I have to just bother myself by going there every night on weekdays. None of this wouldn't have happened if I had not put in an application for the Art Institute of Pittsburgh. I'm pretty much to blame for my misfortunes over the past five months or so. This is the part where I wish I could use time travel to fix my problems. I'm so selfish most of the time. Laura called me last night to discuss a few things and have our own little weird conversations like we always do. She wanted to ask if we were going to exchange gifts for Christmas this year. I had given no thought at all to this until then. Because I'm supposed to be a nice person, I'm going to get her something and in reverse. Two years ago (I think), she got me a wooden fish thingy. It was pretty unique 'cause it could bend a bit so it could look like it could swim. But I broke it... Damn you Dance Dance Revolution. Anywho, I gave her a mug I painted in Art class. The next year (Still not sure), she got me a fancy sock thing along with a photo edited picture of me standing at some plant place or something. I'm not sure if I got her anything. So now I have to think of something to get her. Not that I don't want too, it's just that I feel bad that I completely forgot about it. Another thing she wanted me to do (Women are so bossy... I'm going to be killed for that.) was for me to make her a furry character. Three problems with this include the following: I'm still in a creative ditch, not able to draw exactly what I want on paper. I don't have all the details of her character listed, so I might end up putting something there that she won't like. The third dilemma I'm facing is that I have never exactly drawn a traditional furry character as the only furry style I've ever done was of the Sonic universe. (I'm an uber fan, go me.) And from only a few rare exceptions, they are all anime-ish. (Lack of shading, no real detail other than use of the outlines.) I'm a mediocre artist and I'm doing a commission. WTF was I thinking? Again, it's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that I'm not sure that either of us is going to be happy with my results. Well, if I do arse myself with it, it'll be practice I'm getting at all. I suppose there is nothing else but the rest of my troublesome thoughts.

I don't know what to think about anymore. I've been thinking so much that my mind could be considered a disaster area on the mental plane. (Metaphysics is fun.) I've been dealing with nothing but stress in my thinking due to life. I need a stronger release of my thoughts and emotion, or perhaps a vise to keep them in closure away from my mainstream of thought. I've been shunning myself away from my friends, as well as everyone I know. I don't call my friends anymore, I don't chat on the online games I play, I don't even talk to my family anymore. Well, I guess that last one's not a problem considering I hate them at this point. I'm too worried about myself to even consider being sociable anytime soon, which is why I'm so selfish. All I can do is just wait for new events to reveal themselves so that I can work with more than old problems.

I'm done for.

2006-11-06T02:54:28Z

You know you've reached a new low when you look up "love" and "emotion" on Wikipedia (Which is an awesome site, btw.). Aside from me looking them up, I found it a bit weird that there are actual serious definitions/articles for them, (On a side note, this will definitely help me on my theorem.) especially due to the fact that the meaning of love is different to everyone. Anyways, I'm just rambling here. There's so much on my mind that I need to get out. I can't keep just going on about trivial things right now.

I'm starting to shut down again. My mind is being plagued with possibilities of my future, and it's just getting to me. What has been happening is that I've been getting visions of the future that won't happen. (Yeah. Sounds stupid as f***, doesn't it?) My subconscious is projecting events that don't seem to likely happen in my life, but this could be because of my negativity and low self-esteem. They're kinda like a fantasy daydream, except that they seem more realistic than any other typical fantasy. After getting these on a daily basis, I'm starting to crack. I haven't been doing things that I should be doing as far as my personal agenda goes. Drawing, playing different games, talking to my friends... I definitely have taken too much time away from them. If this were "The Sims" universe, my social mood-bar would be flashing red right now. I often wish that life was video game. It wouldn't be as complex as the real world, you can save and quit at just about any time you want, and there would be a reset button you can use in case you mess up. While on the subject of alternate universes, I have a character for a story I'm working on for a game that I'm working on. Basically, he is my alter ego. He is unique in the sense that he has no emotion. He doesn't feel happiness, sadness, fear, love, anger, etc. I wish I had no emotions. I really think I would've been better off without them. I would be able to think clearer, and I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of the negative emotions. Of course, with this kind of personality, hardly anyone would want to befriend me, but it wouldn't bother me because of it. I'm too sensitive to simply ignore my feelings. What I try to do is be neutral with everything. Trying to keep a balance within my psyche so that I'm not teetering off either end between positive and negative thoughts. But what has been really happening is that I'm putting so much of a particular subject on one end and doing to the same to the other side. It's like trying to put fifty pounds on each side of a scale when the weight limit is three pounds. The scale is going to break, as is my mind is going to. So right now, I'm finding no drive to get myself involved with anything anymore. I'm dead weight. I would rather be nothing. This way, I'm not burdening anyone with my existence. Which brings up the matter of my family. They are hypocrites of the highest degree. They say that they love me or care about me, but then they go and yell and complain to me when I f*** something up or not do anything in general. They could at least just say that I'm a disappointment and a failure. I would respect them more for telling me the truth. The big thing right now is getting my driver's license. My dad's car is going to crap out at any moment can't exactly be going through winter conditions. So what he wants me to do is to get my license and drive one of my grandparents' cars so that I can go to and from college, but then I would have to deal with insurance and blah, blah, blah - I've said all this before. I don't want to work and go to college at the same time. I'm not that kind of person. Right now, I would rather be working at a fast-food restaurant than getting an associate's degree. At least I'd be working toward my freedom from my family. A couple days ago, I got myself a savings and a checking account, so that's one step toward my goal. I'm not really sure what events took place that led me to getting them, but it happened and I'm not complaining.

Well, either I got all I wanted to get out or my mind is exhausted. Could go either way, I guess. I'm getting really, really tired of myself and what I'm doing. I'm just going to end up not doing anything and hope that I can find peace in nothingness.

Becoming depressed again.

2006-10-17T02:22:08Z

I guess it's that time of the month... No, not THAT you simpletons. The time in which I force myself to update my journal. As per the title of this post, either I'm becoming depressed again, or I'm thinking too much... again. There isn't much difference between the two due to their relationship. I could have been just thinking too much on things which lead to me being listless, or because of my emotional state, I've been thinking heavily on things in my lethargic psyche. See what I mean about thinking too much on things? I'm not sure which one it is yet. Could be both. Kinda like some perpetual loop of thought and state of mind that had no starting point. If I am truly depressed, I should at least know what's bumming me. Well, I don't know. Maybe THAT'S what's bothering me. The fact that I don't know why the way I am, why I think the way I do, or why I do things in a certain way. Should anyone know why they are who they are? Would it help me at all to know any of this? I'm not sure, and I probably never will. I think I want to know this is because I want to change myself, but I'm not sure why. I never know the reasons for things I want. The biggest problem of this is wanting to be with Candra. One day I just questioned myself, "Why do I love her?" I couldn't give myself a reasonable answer to that. If I don't have a reason for loving her, then I shouldn't be able to. How is it logical to love someone without a reason? For about four years I never had a reason for longing over someone. What had come over me that day when I developed these feelings for her? What caused this irrational, spontaneous thought in my head? I just now remembered my thing on human abstractions. Not everything is controlled by the brain. I must've been thinking about her with my heart. I remember now of the first moments of how I felt this way. It was... bliss.

The creative thoughts I had produced while enamored with love had been like nothing I've ever done before. I had not considered pursuing poetry as one of my major art styles back then, but when I fell in love, I was happy with my creativity. It may not have been a drawing, as is what my major interest is in, but it was art. Shying myself and being obstructed from Candra had hampered my creativity severely for a good while now. Maybe... this is why I think more logically now. My creative side had been shut down harshly and the logic part took over. Alas, this is just one POSSIBLE reason why I am who I am. So now, all I'm left with is my thoughts. No more can I simply reason with myself and figure out who I am, why I'm here, or even what I want. I have to find something worth collecting my thoughts on and go from there. Perhaps I can think about...

Maturing with the darkness.

2006-09-10T01:05:42Z

The news: College hasn't been the biggest pain in the world... yet. I could do without the College Writing class, though. I haven't had any complications other than getting my books which has already been done. Homework isn't too much of a problem. I had a few assignments and nothing so far has made me sick to my stomach. I realize, of course, the difficulty is going to be ten fold within a few weeks. There is this one class that I enjoy very much. Its basically about the ins and outs of computers. The teacher has implied that by the time we finish the class, we would have enough knowledge to build our own computers. Something I want to do REALLY, REALLY badly. I'm tired of sharing my computer with my brother. He downloads way too many songs, and he downloads games that compare with the ones you would buy at a store as far as system requirements go. Anyway, I still hate driving, but I am getting more comfortable with it. Although, I messed up coming back from college one day and almost caused a wreck, so that really hasn't been a good experience for me due to the fact that I am panicky when driving anywhere, let alone the highway. I haven't had time to write more on my theorem, but I hope to finish it sometime. I guess that's it for the news.

The inside: I have gotten severely depressed over the past two days. It started when I went on Furcadia. I was just exploring a bit and decided to check out my usual dream. I was caught off guard when I got suddenly thrown into a RP session by someone I know who was using another character. I got into it, had some fun, and ended it somewhat gracefully. Afterwards, I decided to check the Furcadia forums, mainly because I was bored. (My excuse for just about everything.) There, I saw someone who was looking for someone to RP with. I checked out her site, and read a few things about her character, then herself. Being as bored as I was, I went ahead and messaged her. She responded, we chatted a bit, got to RPing, then bid our farewells. This was four days ago. The next day, we got together and had another RP session and it went well. The day after, we had yet another session of RPing and somehow got into an OOC (Out Of Character) chat. Anyways, it wasn't until yesterday that I decided to read more about the person behind the character. I won't go into much detail, but the way she described her life and what happens in it nearly disgusted me. It was pitiful. I felt so bad for her that I have been depressed myself. The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that maybe I have been hiding from the world. Although I acknowledge the fact that millions of people have worse lives than I do, I never stopped to really think about how bad it was. This person had shown me how bad it can get and how it has affect her. It is time that I should be freed from my delusions and see the real world. See what evils it has and take them on even if I know I'll fail. I don't think she would care about what I thought about her. We enjoy RPing with each other, and that's all can say on my part.

The rest: There is one more thing that has been conflicting within me as of late. It's about Candra, so those who are tired of reading about me thinking about her can go ahead and leave. She had gotten into a big fight with her boyfriend, she was badly hurt (physically), and had decided to take him to court. This came to me as that she had broken up with him. I was going to go ahead and message her or something about how bad I feel for her. But because of how I think, I decided not to for two reasons. One, it would be rude for me to talk to her AS SOON AS she just broke up with someone. It would seem as though I would only talk to her if she was single. Two, I'm not sure that she would like if I just message her because she was hurt. It would be as if I didn't care about her unless something really big happened. All I have been doing is avoiding her. One reason being because I still get nervous when I even think about talking to her. I may as well have said nothing to her in the beginning if I was just going to be the same way for over a year later. I don't have courage, I don't have confidence... I'm lucky to even to communicate at all with anyone. I could say that I have a mental disorder, but that's the easy answer. I think differently than A LOT of people, especially where I live. That's why I want to move away from here. So now I'm debating when I'm going to talk to her. If I don't soon, I may not end up hurting myself, but Candra, too.

F*** me...

2006-08-23T22:55:37Z

While I was going to finish up my theorem tonight, I have something else that has diverted all my attention from my philosophy to write about. I start college tomorrow. This is going to be the worst two years of my life as far as education go. I did not want to go to college yet. I just don't feel ready for it. My plan was as soon as I got out of high school take a three month vacation, get a job, earn enough money to move out, THEN go to college if I felt I could go. I don't care if it would be harder to got to school and live by myself. I just want to be away from my family. They are all starting to disgust me at this point because of the this college this and driver's licence that and other bullshit they put me through. I want to be left alone, to make my own decisions, to live my life the way I want to. College itself is going to be hazardous to my blood pressure and already finite attention span. And that's just from work and studies. Getting there is going to be a whole 'nother issue. For the first couple weeks or so, my dad and his girlfriend said that he would take me, but I sincerely don't trust his or her "on-time" capabilities. So, I'm going to have to get a driver's licence so I can take one of my grandparents vehicles eventually. BUT, if I do that, then I'm going to have to be put on their insurance which will AT LEAST double the fees. So THAT means that I'll have to get a job so that I don't suck all their money out of the bank. And THAT means that I'm going to have a harder time studying. Sure, I was going to have to deal with this when I live on my own, I just didn't want anyone else involved/have to suffer from what I do. The thing that's pissing me off the most is that all of this happened in one fell swoop.

I don't know what to do now. I'm still thinking about that expulsion thing, I'm just not sure what I'm going to do so that I don't get fined, thrown in prison, or both. There's always just flunking the Hell out of it, but then again, I think that is put on my permanent record and then I won't be able to get into any college. (The grant agency would love that...) And another thing, I'm not sure this is the degree I want. Then I would have wasted my time as well as everyone else's. My future is screwed either way. If there has been any conclusion I have made from this, it's that I suck at life. Someone help me...

Stuff and some words from the soul.

2006-08-22T04:37:40Z

I'm feeling a bit down as of late. Well, more down than usual. Right now I'm at a loss as of what to do with myself. I sent in an application to McDonalds a week ago in hopes of getting a job, but they haven't called back and that's not a good sign obviously. I wanted to get a job so that I could get some money so that I can move out of my grandparents's house. Maybe out of this county if I work long enough. Aside from getting a job, I'm supposed to start college next week. I'm not exactly thrilled about it, to say the least. I don't know how I'm going to get there, when my classes are, WHAT my classes are, or even a good idea of the layout of the college itself. My dad was the one that signed me up without my approval, so he's the one that's going to be responsible for my failure. My original plan was to do something "destructive" enough so that I could be expelled. I don't think I'll have to do that with the grades I'm going to churn out, whether they truly reflect my own intellect or if I fail on purpose. So, that's it for current events. What I'd like to do now is some sort of "freeform rant". It's just things that have deep meaning to me and what I think about them. Well... here it goes.

Humans, as a single being, consist of three major abstractions: Thought, emotion, and will. All three are said to be controlled or stored within the brain. This is especially true for thought, but the other two parts are contained in their respective vessels. Emotions, as which the popular metaphor dictates, are from the heart. Though, not the organ that sustains life of the human body, but rather the symbol of where feelings are kept. Will, better known as willpower, comes from the spirit, or soul to some. All three of these keep humans from being mindless beings on a larger scale by not just being able to process thought, but not being able to feel any life at all within them. These abstractions exist within each human... Or at least that is what is lead to be true. What if it were possible that a human can exist without even one of the three abstractions? There are two popular "pop-culture" myths that serve as an idea of this. Zombies are beings that have no thought or emotion mainly because their brains are nonfunctional to think or to know what feeling is. They run on sheer willpower to survive. Robots, on the other hand, posses no emotion or will. They do not have emotion because it is a concept in which only human brains can process from the heart in which robots do not possess. They "think" but cannot think for themselves and therefore lack will. There are no beings to my knowledge that have only emotion, as such a being would be quite difficult to know how it is so.

Wow. That was something... incredibly deep. I didn't think I'd be able to get that sucker out. Then again, this is only small part of my "Human Abstraction Theories". Yes, I just now noticed it would be HAT in acronym form. Anyway, I'll put the next part in my next post because right now... it's bedtime.

Freedom is tightly sealed...

2006-07-19T02:25:53Z

I didn't think it was possible, but I have had a bad start of summer vacationing. I know I'm supposed to be getting a job or go to college, but I need a fscking break. I JUST graduated and I'm already starting to get heavily bummed out. Why? My family. For everyone, that's not enough said. Even though I'm out of high school, they're still making decisions for me and telling me what to do. Simply put, it's pissing me off to a very high extent. I'm not interested in college or any secondary schooling that I apparently need, according to my grandparent's/father's words, in order for me to make any living at all. Excuse me, but why the Hell does the government quit education early enough so that everyone absolutely has to spend "OMG" amounts of money so that they can earn enough to traverse on the damn sidewalks? Intellectually speaking, I'm neutral on this. As far as my situation goes: It's a f***ing myth. I graduated high school. Appreciate that I didn't drop out like the 20% of the people do in this country. No, I can't even be left alone for one f***ing week before I get "Go to college" thrown at my face. I'm 18 years old with a high school diploma. Let me live my life the way I want to, damn it! Well, that felt good... for a minute. Enough ranting about my family, I feel like complaining about me now.

I showed Laura my previous entries about how I felt about her a good while ago... I created a MySpace account just to be able to tell her about it in my usual fashion. I gave her the links and explained them a bit. She called me the next day, I think, but said nothing about it at the beginning. It wasn't until I heard her say something about me sending her a message on MySpace that I panicked and told her I had to leave. Truthfully, I didn't HAVE to leave, but I really felt like I had to. I walked from my grandparent's house to my dad's house just to avoid having to talk to Laura so soon about it. I stayed a while at my dad's house before he took me back. The next morning I was in for a surprising awakening. Laura called around nine in the morning (Duh...), in which by then I was still asleep. My grandfather had answered the phone and woke me up. As soon as he told me it was Laura, I felt like going back to sleep for the rest of the day. I reluctantly grabbed the phone and we had ourselves a little talk. Apparently, because of my denial of my feelings toward Laura, she had already been with Chris (One of her ex-boyfriends.) and decided to stay with him. I started to tear up a bit no sooner when she asked me if I was going to be alright. I told her I was, but I was hurt a bit. Then again, it was because of my own doing. I was a little down for the rest of the day, so I didn't think too much on what happened. I later realized that my feelings for her were petty and meant little in the long run. Either way, we're still good friends and that was it.

A few weeks later, I decided to spend some time with my dad and stay over for a few days at his place. It was alright for the most part. I had a computer with most of my music 'n stuff on it, but the Internet was on a phone line and died whenever anyone was using the phone. My little brother had claimed my room because I was never there, so that threw me a state of pissed off I've visited before. There was only one bathroom and everyone had to use it when I did. There was nothing to do but watch TV due to the Internet getting shut down on me because the people who lived in the household had friends who like to call them every waking moment or something. Ah, who am I kidding... It sucked being there. While there, he told me about this postal job that I could apply for. As soon as he said postal I immediately frowned upon the idea. After finding out that it didn't involve delivering mail/packages, I was a bit relieved. Although, in order to decide which job you get, you had to take a test that cost over $100 to apply and get study materials for. That got me reluctant pretty soon. Anyway, it wasn't until the third day being there when I decided to go back to my grandparents. Before I had a chance to get the word out, I was asked to clean the third floor of the house. Being the polite person I am, I went ahead and started to do so. What I didn't anticipate was the awful heat up there. It was 95+ degrees up there and I couldn't work longer than 5 minutes at a time without having a body temperature over 100 degrees. After relaying the predicament to my dad, he offered to take me back when I finished. It took me around 2 hours, a temporally broken vacuum, and a very moist shirt to get it all done. I told him that I had finished, but he practically ignored me. His girlfriend soon asked me to clean up the dirt from the sidewalk around the house. I did that and asked my dad to take me back, but said he was busy with cooking dinner. This is the kind of thing he always does. He tells me he would do something for me if I do something for him, and when the time comes, he finds a way to avoid returning the favor. I REALLY hate being lied to.

Candra... I've been away from her for too long. I don't think I've had any contact with her for months. Mainly because of the thing I was dealing with Laura. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her. I never do, and I probably never will. I can't find the courage to go and talk to her, even over the Internet, now. I really am the most pathetic creature on Earth...

Just a small taste of freedom.

2006-06-07T19:18:44Z

Honestly, I didn't think I would do it but I did. I thought I faced the truth last year but I beat the odds. And just to think my luck wouldn't change, I was blessed. I completed high school. I F***ING GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL!!! I thought that I would never get out of that Hell-hole soon enough, but now I'm free. I really was on the line of passing a few of my classes. POD was definitely a failing grade, but the generous teacher allowed me to do some work so that I would be able to make the bare minimum to pass that class. The only thing I regret is not being able to thank him for what he did. I would go up and thank him as soon as the next school year starts, but I never, EVER want to go back to that damned school ever again... for ANY reason. I'm just so glad that I'm no longer being forced to go to school anymore. I am now truly free. Although, now I have to face the responsibilities as an adult like get a job, learn to drive (Which is something I should've done already...), pay for my own games, and other stuff. My dad and grandparents said that school was the easy part, now I have to play life on hard difficulty. (Made that line up myself, and I'm so fsking quoting it.) I know I'm going to be facing more crap down the road of life, and from my point of view, I'm probably going to get p0wn3d. I'm gonna go and try to get a job at least two weeks from now so that I don't become a friggin' moocher. But for now, I'm just gonna take it easy and enjoy my short vacation. I would end this entry right here, but I've got some other stuff to get off of me as always. The graduation ceremony isn't worth mentioning, so bweh.

The big prom night... It was fun to say the least. I downed a thing of Full Throttle (Some energy drink.) so that I could run on caffeine for the first part of the prom because we were going to be partying 'till seven in the morning. The tuxedo felt awful to wear and it looked even worse on me. My hair looked good, slicked back and shiny. Just how I like it. I sweated in that thing more in 30 minutes by just standing than... when I did my presentation. Deja vu, anyone? Laura... When I saw her the only thing that came to my mind was "Wow". 'Nuff said. When we got there, we had to go and wait in the gymnasium for the Grand March, which is when everyone is announced as they go across the stage of the auditorium. An average time of 20 seconds per couple. I saw Candra there... she was there with someone I don't know, but I didn't let my big fear get the best of me. Before when everyone was supposed to be called down to the thing, everyone had to go take a picture. We were late because we were waiting to be called in line for the damn march. We got the picture taken and ordered (Which was pretty expensive.) and went back in line. Almost two hours passed before me and Laura were up next while I was trying to calm down my murderous rage of boredom. The lady who announced us pronounced my last name wrong, even after I corrected her when she asked. I wasn't upset. Just about everyone can't get it right for some reason. To my amazement, I wasn't nervous at all when I walked on stage. Hell, I even knew very well the stupid thing was getting broadcasted on our local TV channel. It might have been the fact that I knew my grandparents were in the audience, or it could've been the fact that Laura was by my side... Anyway, after the march, everyone went to the cafeteria for appetizers and such before dinner. The cookies were pillaged and the vegetables were already mutating, so the only thing that "looked" good was the meat and cheeses. Dinner was served and it looked fairly good. I got some chicken dumpling thing along with some potato stuff and rigatoni. Wasn't bad for something that tried to play as a fancy meal. When plates and stuff were being picked up, one of the waiters dropped a couple dishes which was followed by applause. I hate the people of this county... A while bit longer and the dance started. I didn't feel like dancing because I've convinced myself that I can't dance and feel good at the same time at that moment. So me and Laura sat at the table we ate at for a little bit. She started to get bored and I felt guilty. I practically dragged her out to the gym to dance. It was actually fun. I haven't danced in years and it felt good to just get down with my funky self. (Worst. Line. Ever.) We slowed danced twice, I think. I was hesitant but she was comfortable for some reason. I think the dance lasted for about 3 hours. We quit a little bit over 2. I got rid of the jacket and vest of the tux cause it was ridiculously sweaty. I called my grandparents with the cell-phone my pap let me borrow so that he could get our regular clothes. Old but very cheap and useful. We changed clothing and waited for the busses to take us to Dave and Busters. Which was the biggest part of the night for me. Right before we headed out to the busses, we were handed a CD of the music at the dance. There were only a few songs that I'd actually listen on it. We rode on the bus for about an hour and 15 minutes until we finally arrived. Caught a couple naps on the way up because I can't sleep sitting up. Go figure. We waited for about half an hour so that we could get our cards in which we used to pay for the games. As soon as we entered the building a practically ran to look for the arcade. Even faster as I wanted to play Dance Dance Revolution. I didn't find it, but instead a knock-off called "Pump It Up" or something. It had five steps instead of the four I'm used to. It wasn't bad, actually... I HAD THE BEST TIME ON THAT THING!! I am so fsking getting DDR for the PS2. It is definitely a work out thing. I could probably lose 10 pounds a week on that thing. I also played skee-ball and air hockey with Laura. I don't think she had as much fun as I did, but she didn't seemed too bummed out. She's not into the video game scene as I am so it was understandable that she wasn't having a good time with me. If there was any consolation, it was that I made myself look like an idiot on one of the tougher songs on that thing (I'm a fat, fat boy...) and she recorded it on her digital camera. Not one of my best moments caught on video... It was almost time to leave and everyone was cashing in their tickets from the games that gave tickets at the prize booth. All the good stuff was over 50,000 tickets which was completely not worth getting. All we could get was one fairly sized cup which I let Laura keep. Not like there was anything I wanted there anyways. After getting the cup, we tried to get a round of pool table going but everyone was called to board the busses a few minutes into it. The trip going back was OK, slept a little bit. I called my pap to pick us up at the school. It was cold out, but it didn't bother me. Laura literally froze her butt off. She squatted on the cement bench where we waited at. We were picked up, dropped Laura off, arrived back to my home, and the first thing I did was fall on my couch and just sleep. Anything after that I've already forgotten. I remember her calling me but it ends there for that day. I had a great time and I think she did, too.

It did affect my feelings for her, though not too much. I was happy that we spent such a great time together, but that just sums it up. I'm just so confused right now. I'm stuck between Candra and Laura and neither have any clue about it. I like Candra because she's nice, friendly, gets along great with a lot of people, and is definitely the party type, but she doesn't seem interested in me and already dated a few people. Laura is a great friend, but recently I've been doing things that couples would do together with her and that's probably the reason why I have these feelings. I don't think me and Candra will be together, and if I go after Laura I may end up hurting her. I am proverbially "FUCT" with my own emotions right now. I don't want to hurt anyone, but my heart is so confused that it may just shut down for good this time...

A heart for two?

2006-05-19T03:00:17Z

This past week and a half or so has been very interesting. I began with talking to a friend I hadn't talked to in a while and now I'm ending up going to the prom with her. Here's how it all started: My closest friend, Laura, found that her boyfriend was cheating on her for nearly three months. I had no clue of this at all and only heard about it until one day when I finally talked to her when I was leaving school one day and she called me. She told me about it and I felt horrible. She was doing poorly in school, she couldn't sleep, and she was having the same thoughts I had when I was depressed... It made me sick to hear her cry. I was crying a little bit myself just hearing her story. I wanted to help her get through her depression and school work. She had helped me before with my depression. I mean, she practically saved my life. I HAD to repay her somehow, even though there isn't anything I could do to repay her for keeping me alive. I had to do something.

The next day I went to her house to help her on the senior project report. Apparently she missed so much school that she didn't turn this in on time and had to get an extension on the due date. She was short a little over a full page and I put my sentence enhancing skills to work. Needless to say, I got just enough for her to finish the report herself. But it was past 11:00 PM and I felt that it was selfish of me to just let her finish it when all I had to do was just type up the rest of what she already had. Speaking of which, if it wasn't for her other ex-boyfriend, Chris, who I just happen to be delightfully acquainted with (him = geek = yay), I wouldn't have been able to do a thing to help her. Aside from also having to put in a few quotes from her research sources, I believe that I should have done more. I was playing Flash Flash Revolution for Jebus's sake! But working over three hours on something like this had a negative effect on me. I was practically getting dizzy just sitting down in front of the computer. She still didn't get it done the next day and was given one more day to complete it due to a very good-hearted teacher who had talked to the English teacher Laura was doing the project for.

I think it was the next day that she invited me to the prom. It could've been the first day I talked to her, but I can't remember. She already had tickets that she intended to bring her back-stabbing ex along with. I wanted to ask Candra if she was going to the prom, and then later hoping to ask her to go to the prom with me, but I wasn't able to contact her before the school stopped selling tickets. I wasn't so sure on going, mainly because it would feel weird if Candra was going and she saw me with someone else. Also, I would see HER with someone else. Another thing was going through the trouble of getting a tuxedo, something of which I hadn't worn EVER. A few days later, I agreed to take her and that's when the fun began (Insert sarcasm here). Since the past week I got a tux, went dress shopping with her (My advice for guys: don't EVER go shopping with a woman for ANYTHING.), got a bouquet for her, and changed the color of the vest for my tux so that it would match her dress. I had spent a great deal of time with her and I enjoyed it a lot. We get along greatly and have such a fun time together when we hang out. But I think that's where the trouble began.

I spent a few late nights at Laura's house, just hanging out with her. One night after we finished dress shopping, we were up in her room just talking and having the leftover pizza we had at the mall. She got around to talking about her ex and she started to cry. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. She kept talking as I just sat there in silence trying to figure out what to do. Then something snuck up on me, kinda like a sniper bullet in the SOCOM game series. I was starting to develop stronger feelings for Laura. It's so wrong in so many ways. It was starting to cloud my thoughts so that I wasn't able to talk for a good while. I don't know why I was having these thoughts. She's just a really good friend of mine, nothing more. She just recently was dumped by her ex and I don't think that she is in any condition to be going out with someone else so soon. She even still has feelings for the guy that cheated on her. Most importantly, for me at least, it means that I would be kinda cheating on Candra. I proclaimed my love for her. I didn't care if she was going out with someone else, but now I don't think I can just keep going after her. If I show my feelings for Laura, it would mean that all the poetry and that Valentine's card I gave to Candra would be worthless. Tomorrow's the day before the prom, and I just don't know what to do.

"w00t!" comes to mind.

2006-04-25T01:37:04Z

Yup, I did it. I finally f***ing did it. I passed my senior project presentation at my school. What does this mean? It means that I have pretty much put the official seal on my diploma. With that damnable project out of the way, I can finally concentrate on my other subjects and NOT have to be so damned worried about that hateful project. Albiet a bit contradictory, I might have a little trouble with at least two of my classes. One being Trigonometry and the other Problems of Democracy (POD for short). Trig's a bitch. Plain and simple. The only thing I can do is ask the teacher, who I have a hatred for, every single time I have a problem. Mainly because he can't teach worth crap, and that's putting it lightly. POD I can care less for. It's bad enough that I'm still learning about the government, but did I have to get a subpar teacher to along with it? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooo. The blasted moron gives us worksheets to do and use on the test, but I can only get two answers for every three section there were in the chapter. Just about most of the teachers are like these fine examples. I swear, I live in a backwoods county in which very few people "get it". If there's been anything I've learned from my years in being in school it's this: Some schools in this country are so far behind that anyone who comes out of one has skills that can only qualify them for government dog. (Examples: Mailman, banker, teacher...)

I feel as though I lost a lung today. (Whoa, haven't typed lung in a good while.) Which, of course, is bad when you have gym the same day. I'm still having trouble breathing since I did that presentation. I was so fsking nervous that my teacher allowed me the option to remove some people out of the class. I gave my approval and ended up with about eight people with the exception of the teacher and the other evaluator. It helped, but it didn't exlude the fact that I was BSing my speach the entire time, my program to show to the class wasn't saved properly, and I sweated more within a 20 minute period by only talking than a 30 minute gym class when playing Dan-ball. (A made-up sport that is popular within my school district. Kinda like football and soccer fused together. Very tiring.) It was the most embarrassing moment I have ever dealt with. I hope I don't have to ever give another speach in my life... I'm so pathetic. I'd put more up, but I can't think right now. I blame school.

Is there hope now?

2006-04-04T23:00:35Z

Firstly, I'd just want to share something that has truly touched me today. A simple Flash movie that practically made me see myself in it. http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/305003 (Here's hoping the link works...) The boy in it nearly looks like me, just thinner. He plays a record on a record player. (The original turntable, yo.) The song in the heading of this post plays from it and he looks out the window, soon falling asleep. He then wakes up suddenly an jumps out the window and runs toward a field, a plain grass field. After stopping to lie on the ground a bit, he runs off again and jumps off a cliff with his hand reaching out. An angel girl grabs him and she carries him through the clouds. They fly a bit and sit on a cloud looking around the peaceful sky. He looks to her, she smiles at him, they lean toward each other... then the boy wakes up from sleeping on the window sill. Realizing that he was dreaming, he gives a sad look on his face and looks out the window again as an angel feather falls slowly on the record player. The point of this? It just relates to me so much. It's not just the boy who looks like me, but what happens to him and the music going along with it. Jumping out the window and running through the field: I want to escape from the "house" I'm in. The "house" represents what holds me back from enjoying life and I just want to escape from it. (Not in the mood to explain in full what the "house" is.) Running through the field represents me starting to enjoy freedom. Lying on the grass just the same, but I get bored with simple freedom. Jumping off the cliff and reaching his hand out: Jumping off the cliff represents that I would take a chance and reach for my desires, or one desire in this case. The angel girl: Self-explanatory to those who have read my previous post. Candra is my angel girl. She would carry me away from the simple life and into complete happiness, heaven, or the just the clouds depending on your point of view on the movie. They sit on a cloud looking around: That would be me and Candra enjoying life in peace. Leaning toward each other: My fantasy... To express my love to her in a passionate way. Then the boy waking up: Me realizing that all I'm doing is just hoping for a fantasy to come true. The feather: The proof of my chances of my fantasy coming true, no matter how small the hint. The repeating part of the song's lyrics:
...Cause this angel has flown away from me.
Leaving me in drunken misery.
I should have clipped her wings and made her mine for all eternity.
How this angel has flown away from me.
Thought I had the strength to set her free.
Did what I did because I love her so.
Will she ever find her way back home to me?

The angel flying away: The times that shown to me that I could not be with Candra. Just recently, about a few weeks ago, Corey told me that Candra was already seeing someone. At that time I didn't want to think about it, but a few days later in school, when it was dismissed, I saw her kiss someone. I just kept walking by, as if I saw nothing and nothing saw me. I put on my fake smile when I got on the bus so that I wouldn't show how hurt I was to Candra. I don't care who she is seeing, and I said before that I'm not a jealous person. Clipping her wings: Taking extreme action to get what I desire, something that I would never do. Never would I clip the wings of an angel... I would set her free because I love her: Seeing Candra happy makes me happy. She has her own right to choose who she wants to be with. If being with that other person makes her happy, then so be it. I would've been hurt a lot more if it weren't for the fact that I knew she had already dated other people before. Will she ever find her way back to me: I question this every day. This is just something I wanted to share...

Now with that aside, let's get back to what happened in my life. I recently took the SATs. I thought it was something of college level, but it was pretty easy. At least most of the math part was... It could've gone better if I didn't have a friggen headache during the FIVE F***ING HOURS of taking the test. Taking it a quarter till eight wasn't a great idea either. Overall I think I did pretty good. I do need expand my above average vocabulary still. Shouldn't be too hard, eh? Next on the list... I'm getting some driving skill built up. Though, driving around the school parking lot doesn't seem all that experience worthy. Either way, I should be trying to get some driving time in for practice purposes. School grades... I'm doing better than I expected. I DO actually have a chance to pass after all. Just gotta quit being lazy for two more months and I'm free. Hmm, not much news... Oh, wait... KINGDOM HEARTS 2 HAS BEEN RELEASED IN THE USA!!! I need to get that game in THE worst way... That game has inspired me so much. Hell, the name of my blog should be a huge hint of that! But before I play/get the game, I should complete the GBA game first. Mainly just to get some upcoming plot holes filled up in the main sequel. Well, I'm done for yet another month. Peace be with those who need it the most...

My future?

2006-03-09T23:49:56Z

Hmm... Huh? Oh damn. And to think that I wanted to do this journal thing more often. Guess I can only churn out one a month on average. Oh well. Can't be helped. Let's see, what do we got here? No new news. Well isn't that great. Ah, fuck it. I'll just ramble on about stuff for this intro. I've been depraved of Dr. Pepper for almost two months now. I think my metabolism is slowing back down to its original state. Not good considering my poor eating habits. I need to get the stuff I eat out of my system fast. Drinking more than one glass of water a day could help... *Gets a glass of water.* Well THAT was my first glass, seven more to go. *Groan.* I need to start going back to Furcadia. Not just because I'm bored, but because I'm part of a comunity that I have hardly taken part in. It was boring doing the job I signed up for, but Hell, I should at least visit the damn dream and actually DO something instead of wandering around aimlessly and shying away from people. I think I need to try that meditation thing where I can increase a specific chakra, which I assume portrays your very personality to some extent. I believe it was the Voice I need work on. I don't know or remember. I should look it up again or something... Ok, enough rambling. It is now time for the main topic at hand.

Fuck school. Fuck it in all its demented filth. And by filth, I mean the people there. I need to move out of this damned county, or at least the city. Moving out would be a good thing for me. But as anyone should know, you need to actually PLAN for stuff like this. Not only do you need money, you need to know where the fuck you're going, how you're going to get there, what jobs you can get, get cable/telephone/Internet connections for your new home, sign a crap load of papers regarding leagal issues for rent and shit like that, and of course, HAVE A LOT OF MONEY. $1000 isn't going to cut it peoples. Even for appartments. I don't even HAVE $1000. Especially due to that fact that I don't have a job and I'm fucking up in school. So where does this all lead to? What the Hell am I going to do with my life? I can't live with my family forever, possibly only earning minimum wage. It's not that I feel that I would be mooching off them, and I do feel that a lot, but I just don't want to be around my family any more. I'm just sick off them. Either I'm completely different from them, I don't know them, or I hate them. And I hate only a handful of them. Namely my brothers but that's too obvious for anyone with sibling(s). I can't possibly think of any situation that leaves me happy, or at least have a living, in my future. I pretty much a good example of the "starving artist," just not now. What job am I going to have? Most likely I'll only have a job and not a career. Right now I should just be working fast food places, but that sucks in the worst way. During my middle-age years, when I'm bald and wearing glasses, I suppose I could just work in a cubicle. I don't know what the Hell people do in those things, but it can't be worse than asking someone for their order. Am I ever going to get married? Answer: Highly doubtful. Although I'm sporting an interest in Candra, I don't know how long she'll stay in this city. So, I only have three more months of school left and I'm not sure how long I have before she goes to college. I don't even know if we'll even be together. (I'm going to stop here in order to prevent yet another rant about my love.) Will I ever have children? FUCK NO!! Plain and simple. And how am I gonna die? A few possibilities include heart attack, starvation, disease, and heart attack. (I hate my genetic code...) I suppose old age is an option, but I hear getting old sucks. I know no one is supposed to "know the future," but a lot of people have a good idea with what to do with themselves. Me? I don't have anything. That is, if you exclude the fact that I am absolutely not having children. I guess I just worry too damn much.

Renewed faith?

2006-02-18T00:30:46Z

Let's see... As I'm writing this I can only remember one thing that happened since my last entry, but that would be the main topic of this entry and I like having some extra stuff in. Oh, I got it. I finally got my f***ing driver's permit. Why the swearing? I'll tell you why. Just about one year ago I had a good opportunity to get my permit, but because of legal issues (Not having a legal guardian sign for some thingy.) I was not able to even take the test. Waited for almost 4 hours only to be rejected. The DMV needs to offer TV or maybe some snacks while you wait or something... Anyways, I got the blasted thing and legally drove within 3 hours of obtaining it because my dad thought it was good idea. At first I thought, "Aw crap, I just GOT this today. Why should I risk losing it?" Learning the buttons and switches for the car was easy enough, driving the f***er was a whole 'nother story. I have no wheel turning skill what-so ever, I have to think about how to turn on the turn signal for about 8 seconds, I'm constantly ready to freak out, and just like every other teenager in America, I always do that thing where if you don't "ease on the brakes" you get thrown back into your seat. Practice I need, yo... Alright, extra news out of the way. Now I can get on the real topic.

Valentine's Day. A day which meant little to me, nearly conjuring resent for it. Last year's V-Day, because of the poem I gave Candra, she was nice enough to have thought of me and give me a card. Ok, it was a kiddy one, but it still means something. When she gave it to me I was both elated and discouraged. Happy because she gave me something, but upset because I gave nothing in return. The next year I decided that I should do a kindness and show Candra that she still meant something to me. I went and got a card for her and I made a poem. I think I'm beginning to see a pattern with these poems... Whatever. I put both in an envelope and the whole kit and caboodle in a safe place. This was two days prior to Single Awareness Day. (Bad, bad joke...) The next day, Monday, rolls by somewhat smoothly, then night hit. I decided to go out and hand deliver the "package" so Candra could get it in the morning, or so I hoped. Then out of the sheer craziness that I possess, I decided to dress up all l33t ninja like. This would be my first ninja mission. I got dressed, got my CD player, got the package, and went out. It took about 20 minutes to get near to the desired destination. At this point, I was thinking about the options I was going to have to face. 1 - If no lights were on, deliver the package normally and leave normally upon delivery. 2 - If lights were on, but no people seen within windows, proceede with absolute caution and leave swiftly upon delivery. 3 - If people were clearly seen anywhere within area of house, either A - Run like f**k. And/Or B - Wait at nearby public park until comfortable waiting time is achieved. And despite that it was the 13th day, fortune had smilled and left me with option 1. Well, I did delivery with out harm, but I was practically being chased by a pick-up truck (gawd awful looking things) when I left. I didn't look to see who the hell it was who I COULD'VE sued, but I didn't care. I just left for home and did as such. First objective complete. (Oh yeah, I'm getting down with my l33t ninja self.)

The next day, I dressed in my alter-ego outfit. Red vest, white T-shirt, and khaki pants. I look shmexy in it... This has no relevance at all for anything. I just wanted to let all who read this get an image on how I look. Anyways, school ended and Candra had yet to make any comment to the package. So I raced to the computer when I got home and logged on AIM. A few minutes of aniticipation, and a bit of complete and utter nevrvousness, she got on and started a conversation. A few posts later and she had yet to make any comment of the package. Then I thought, "Wait a tic, maybe she didn't get it out of the mail box?" I asked her if she checked her house mail lately, she posts "hold on", and about a minute later I get a call. I had no idea who it was but when I simply touched the phone I had an idea of who it was and was proven correct. Candra called me. SHE. CALLED. ME. If my legs weren't so strong from carrying my fat-ass body all day for the past 18 years, I would've dropped to the floor. She thanked me for the card and poem, we talked for a bit... Even though we barely got a whole lot of talking done, (Mainly on my part because of my nervousness which left me with little to say.) I just felt so happy. Hearing her voice was just... I don't know how to describe it, really. Even with my above average vocabulary. It was that great to hear her. I was so happy I just couldn't keep myself from smiling. It was so much that I kept smiling the entire day after. The joy she brings me is something immaculate. Pure, magnificent bliss... Now it seems my faith in Candra has revived in a way. It's good now, but I know I can't just hope to win her heart with just petty cards and poems. I need to confront her and treat her as a normal person. I just need to spend more time with her, as a friend.

I honestly don't know anymore.

2006-01-19T04:12:36Z

Back from a somewhat joyful Christmas break. It could've been better had I been in a better mood, but I guess I can't be happy even with the thought of getting new video games. That and just turning 18 should've been a shinning moment for me. Right now I just want to point out my flaws. In fact, I will. The fact that any people read this doesn't present any motivation for me to simply "publish" my thoughts. All I want is something to be able to look back on... and regret it.

My body, as far as my hormones go, is starting to revert to primal instinct. Apparently, I now find myself not just wanting a love, but some form of sexual output. (If I could think of a better way to say this, no one would be seeing it now.) My instincts are prodding me to pass my genetic information. Just like Solid Snake, I don't want to succumb to the natural instinct of human survival.(Those who actually follow good storylines know of this from the MGS series.) True, it's mainly because I'm not fit for raising a child, but it also has to do with some other things. I really don't care for my genetic structure, to say the least. I would rather have my body launched into the sun then to pass my worthless genes. It may seem stupid, but actually I'm preventing future generations by sharing my genes. (Heart disease and baldness being amongst them...) I honestly think that I shouldn't have anything to do with corrupting the future. I also don't want to be anymore involved in family relations. It's things like relatives that I've only seen once in my lifetime that send me (As well as my brothers.) a X-mas gift every year. I didn't expect anything, and I'm not sure how to return the favor. I don't want to have anymore relations like this. That, and I've had family trouble apon my father's actions and I don't want to have to put anyone throughout what I've experienced. I'm going to just propose abstinence and just not have sex, period. After all, it doesn't seem that great as far as I'm concerned.

I fucked up in school, again. I won't graduate for the year, and I'll most likely have to take another year of school instead of taking summer courses. I'm just not comfortable in the social environment I'm in. I would've been better off if I was home-schooled. There are very few decent humans in my school as far as students go. Some of my teachers are about as logically reasonable as a pinata made out of pickles. The work they force us to do just doesn't make any sense for anyone to do. My English teacher expects the class to write a 15-20 sentence paragraph on whatever topic she puts up on the board every day. How is EVERYONE going to be able to write that much on EVERY SINGLE TOPIC? The answer is an impossibility. It just can't be done. If she wants us to write something, it should be something we want to write about. Apparently to her, everyone is supposed to have an opinion on everything she has in her fucking class planner. It's total bullshit. Hell, with the logical reasoning I have, I should be the one teaching these fuckheads.

The big thing that has been screwing me up is my mental processing. I still have depression. I can't concentrate anymore. I don't do anything that I once used to do everyday, especially drawing. I loved to draw. Now I can't find any motivation to draw anymore. I'm not me anymore. I've changed a lot since when I was a child. I don't know when I changed, but it's obvious to me that I did. My mind has been processing every logical aspect of my reason for existence and there is nothing to be found. I have no purpose in life, yet I can't die now. That is what my mind is telling me, and I'm not sure why. I have dreams of being a video game producer, but the chances of me being able to get a job, let alone a career, is highly minimal. This is only thing I want that doesn't involve another person directly. Speaking of which, I'm starting to believe that I made a horrible mistake with the one I love... or loved, I should say. My feelings for Candra have nearly died out. The only reason for this is that she is with another guy. I'm not jealous. I'm not angry. I just don't want to interfere with someone's happiness. I don't know if I'll confront her about this. I'm not sure I ever will. The thing about it is that if I can't get her love, I won't love ever again. The disappointment of losing a love is hard, but I learned something a while ago. I may think I love her, but really all I have is a crush on her. I don't know her well enough to love her. Even still, I had strong feelings for her, but now I can't even touch her heart. Perhaps she wasn't meant for me. After all, I'm still young and have a ways to go before I should find true love.

Boredom sucks. Duh...

2005-12-10T20:51:59Z

Stole this from a certain owner of a certain dream on a certain game. Remember kids, boredom sucks ass!

1. What is your middle name?
Jose

2. Last person you kissed?
The sad thing is, I don't remember.

3. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my pants existing.

4. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
96

5. What was the last thing you ate?
Tuna spread sammiches. Mmm...

6. Last person you hugged?
Again, I can't remember. I is pathetic...

7. How is the weather right now?
Very cold and very snowy. Just how I like it!

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My friend, Corey.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The face. What? You think I would look at anything else?

10. Favorite type of Food?
Anything that contains meat and doesn't contain vegetables.

11. Do you drink?
Alcohol? Never.

12. Do you smoke?
NEVAR!

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember what you did?
I don't drink so quit asking!

14. Hair color?
Shmexy black...

15. Eye color?
Brown.

16. Do you wear contacts?
Nope, don't even need glasses.

17. Favorite holiday?
Christmas. Because I'm so materialistic.

18. Favorite month?
December!

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
For NO reason? I don't think so.

20. Last movie you watched?
I don't watch movies that much so I wouldn't remember.

21. What books are you reading?
Books, none. Though I read a crap load of webcomics.

22. Piercings?
None and I don't plan on getting any.

23. Favorite movie?
The Matrix. There is no spoon...

24. Favorite basketball Team?
Sports suck...

25. What were you doing before filling this out?
Playing Syrnia, existing, and waiting for a certain someone to put up a certain dream on a certain game.

26. Any pets?
A german shepard, but it's not mine.

27. AIM?
Swordking Jr

28. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
Butter AND salted.

29. Dogs or cats?
I prefer kittens.

30. Favorite Flower?
Roses, but as for the color, if black ones exist, I'd chose that.

31. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
Yes. I was sneaking food before Thanksgiving dinner...

32. Are you single or taken?
Single and hating it.

33. Have you ever loved someone?
DUH!

34. Who would you like to see right now?
My love...

35. Are you still friends with your ex?
Not really. She moved away and I never heard from her since...

36. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yeah, but I still prefer a sword.

37. Do you like to travel by plane?
Nuuuuu... Heights scare me.

38. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right because that's what I was taught with first.

39. If you can be with someone right now, who would it be?
My love...

40. How many pillows do you sleep with?
One feather pillow. I need a new one, however.

41. Are you missing someone?
Yes. My love...

42. Do you have a tattoo?
I wish...

43. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Honestly, I watch more cartoons than any other teenager should. But as of late I haven't been glued to the tube due to my recent obsessiveness toward the computer. Go figure.

Fuck up once, shame on Furcadia. Fuck up twice, shame on me.

2005-11-17T03:28:03Z

My obsession with Furcadia and roleplaying in general has gotten me mentally exhausted. It seems that once I get into a RPing spree, meaning that I have RPed often (i.e. - once a night), I need to keep it on the same pace. If I miss even one day, I get all pissed about it. If I miss more, I end up getting depressed. This is exactly what happened to cause me to go into hiatus the first time. I don't want it to happen again, but I don't how I'm going to do it. If I stop playing, I go into withdraw. But if I log on and there's nothing to do, I feel as though I shouldn't have even bothered to have logged on at all. Usually when no one's on or something, I just minimize the game and do something else. Like play another game (that doesn't eat up bandwidth), read webcomics, listen to music, etc... But every now and then I check up on it to see if anyone is on to RP with. I don't think I'm mentally stable for RPing at all. I do a decent job of RPing, but it's this kind of twisted behavior that I put myself through that is fucking me up in the head. I obsess over most of my interests, but not as much as Furcadia. I don't know if I should just quit and give up what is left of my desire to express myself creatively which will shut me off from being highly creative, or to continue to obsess over RPing and stress myself out by waiting hours on end for something to happen which would provoke and endless cycle of withdraw when I get off the game at all. This is going to be strike two for me. I'm just glad I was able to see it coming this time...

Back from Virusvile with a ton of crap to bitch about.

2005-11-01T00:08:33Z

It's been over two weeks since I got my computer up and running again from yet another virus rape. Honestly, I don't know how those things get in there. My brothers just keep fucking around too much for their own good in my opinion. They wouldn't know how to use a computer properly, let alone know the conciquences of what they do, even if Bill Gates bit them and injected his venom in their very brains. The only thing that I'm grateful for is that I was able to keep all my files and whatnot. It was a bitch to get them with the computer running at half the speed of a computer from the 1970s. But I was able to prevail and show those amature virus programers that they are just a bunch of n00bs. *sticks middle finger in the air* That's right, you fuckers! You haven't gotten me yet! *sigh*

School is starting to get to me. I don't think I'm going to graduate. I just don't think that I can put any effort into school anymore. It may have to do with the fact that my grandparents made me sign up for that college only 6 months after I graduate. I REALLY need a break from school. Not like only 3 fucking months, I need about two years to relax and just clear my mind of my harsh school life. I'll get a job of course. It's not like I'm going to bum off my family during my entire vacation. That, and I'm going to need spending money of my own. College, video games, savings, gas, car insurance, etc... I'm going to have to do a whole bunch in that time. But no, my grandparents only give me 6 fucking months. "...you have to go to college as soon as you graduate so you can apply for grants..." FUCK THAT! If they don't won't me here after I graduate, they could've just said so.

My feelings for Candra have been... confussing... to say the least. I haven't been able to talk to her in a while. All we do is just have the usuall "Hi, how are you?"s. I want, no, I NEED to talk to her. Even if only for 5 minutes. One night on AIM she said that she was happy to chat with me. If there was ever a time that I felt truly happy, it was right there. At first I thought she was just messing around, but I didn't think she was joking. I asked if I could visit for a while at her place and she said she would call the next day. I soon as I woke up the next day, I ate a quick breakfast and just cleaned the Hell out of myself. I mean, shampoo and conditioner, used soap TWICE, put on a crap load of deorderant, combed my hair, and brushing my teeth AND used Listerine. After all that, I picked up the cordless phone, got on the computer, and waited. I waited, and waited, and waited... That entire day I waited for her to call, freaking out whenever the phone rang and answering it as if it was going to blow up if I didn't get to it in time. No calls came from her. I was extremely disapointed to say the LEAST. I called her house, but she wasn't there. I left a message, but she never called back. She didn't even mention it at all after that. It was as if she lied to me. Like she didn't want to see me at all. I would've understood if she was busy, but she should've said something. It hurts to think that the one you love doesn't even care about you. I still have feelings for her, but I'm starting to lose faith. I'm scared. The only thing I'm scared of is losing my love for her. Losing faith in love... That is the most horrible thing I have ever heard, and I thought of it myself. For the first time in a long time, I'm scared of something. I'm scared to lose love. I don't know what to do anymore. Love is the hardest thing to explain, but it's the easiest thing to understand.

I went and f***ed up. Go me...

2005-10-08T02:29:27Z

Life is just all fun and games until someone hands you a reality check. Along with the title, that's basically my life's story. I went to the Art Institute of Pitsburgh yesterday for an interview for some reason or another. It took around 1 and 1/2 hours to get to and from Pitsburgh so I took naps on both trips. I should make a note to never sleep in a car. Ever. Anyways, when I arrived in the city, I felt that I belonged there. It was like home in a way. I guess being born in New York has that kind of effect on you. So being accepted into the AIP would just be a great thing for me right now. When my grandparents and I finally got to the interview part, I became a bit too nervous for my own good. A couple of the questions I couldn't answer due to the fact that I don't consider things like "What do you expect from the school itself?" I want to go to school to get an education, but that's a big f***ing DUH, so what other answer could I give to him? I just didn't know. We took a small, yet interesting, tour of the school. It was impressive to say the least, but I wish they didn't use so many fricken Mac computers... When the tour ended, we went back to the interview room and discused the cost of entering the school. This was a slap to the face. For 4 years I have to pay over $70,000. That may just be the regular price without the grants and stuff, but that's still too f***ing much. I'm definately going to need more than a year to get the money for this. There's also housing and just living on my own cost I'll have to pay. I mean, I am royally f***ed. The best part to this enchanting tale is that not only do I want to go into graphic design, I want to learn more about programing. And that's another possible $70,000+ down the f***ing drain. I am really starting to hate our money mongering society. Fuck the cooperate world, I just wanted to make video games...

Furcadia and its downside.

2005-09-20T23:46:13Z

I downloaded Furcadia just a little over a year ago and played for about 3 months. I was a bit new to the roleplaying scene and didn't exactly know what to do. I explored a few places, listened to a few conversations, gave my character a background... It was going good until I found someone to RP with. That same night our characters "bonded", so to speak. We generated a love life for our characters and it was going pretty good. Soon, we talked to each other (not in character) on AIM, got to know each other a bit, then something hit me. Apparently I was starting to have feelings for my own for the person behind the character. I always feared something like this would happen to me one day. We got to know each other even more for the next month and had a conversation about when we could see each other. I did want to see her, but she wasn't so sure. When we went back to RPing, the sessions got shorter and some other people she knew often interrupted us. Then I started to drift away from her. I'm not sure why, it just seemed I should quit while I was ahead. I already had a love interest at the time and having another is taboo to me. With that, I quit talking to her along with playing Furcadia.

I think it was 6 months later that I received an E-mail about my character account stating that if I didn't log back on within an amount of time it would be deleted. I thought it was a bad idea to go back, but I realized that, with my experience, I can avoid that whole situation from happening again. I played few a while and found a dream that appealed to me. I stayed there often at first, not saying a word due to my shyness. I soon started to RP (order drinks at the bar...) a bit, then I joined it's forum, and finally became a staff member. To me, that was damn good. As a few weeks past, the creator/owner of the dream created a new dream. I checked it out and it appealed to me more than the tavern. It was a manor that was going to have a storyline and just basically be pure RPing, unlike the tavern. I soon joined up as a staff member there as well. So far I've only really worked at the tavern because the storylines for the manor are still in development. Even though I actually get to talk to people at the tavern, I don't to get to exactly progress my character. All they see in my character is just a bartender. At the manor, however, I've gotten more character progress at the manor in one night than I have at the tavern in two weeks. (However, I only got to RP only one night.) I don't want to quit the tavern, but lately it's just been boring to work there. Sure, I get to listen to other people RP, but I want to become part of something as well.

Whenever the dreams aren't available, I go explore other ones. But I can never bring myself to actually start a conversation or anything to RP about. I guess that I just need to start becoming more outgoing. But that's not who I am. I am a decent RPer, it's just that I'm not good at starting them. This kind of thing needs to be dealt with but I'm not sure how. My point is why should I bother playing Furcadia anymore? It takes up too much time to get "something" going on and it eats my time for playing other games. The tavern is boring, the manor is in "development", and I'm too shy to RP anywhere else. No one seems interested in my character either. I don't know what to do. I love RPing, but I can't find anyplace to get what I want. I know that sounds selfish, but when you compare it to the materialistic stuff that I want, being able to have fun on Furcadia should be handed to me on a gold plater.