I'm done for.
You know you've reached a new low when you look up "love" and "emotion" on Wikipedia (Which is an awesome site, btw.). Aside from me looking them up, I found it a bit weird that there are actual serious definitions/articles for them, (On a side note, this will definitely help me on my theorem.) especially due to the fact that the meaning of love is different to everyone. Anyways, I'm just rambling here. There's so much on my mind that I need to get out. I can't keep just going on about trivial things right now.

I'm starting to shut down again. My mind is being plagued with possibilities of my future, and it's just getting to me. What has been happening is that I've been getting visions of the future that won't happen. (Yeah. Sounds stupid as f***, doesn't it?) My subconscious is projecting events that don't seem to likely happen in my life, but this could be because of my negativity and low self-esteem. They're kinda like a fantasy daydream, except that they seem more realistic than any other typical fantasy. After getting these on a daily basis, I'm starting to crack. I haven't been doing things that I should be doing as far as my personal agenda goes. Drawing, playing different games, talking to my friends... I definitely have taken too much time away from them. If this were "The Sims" universe, my social mood-bar would be flashing red right now. I often wish that life was video game. It wouldn't be as complex as the real world, you can save and quit at just about any time you want, and there would be a reset button you can use in case you mess up. While on the subject of alternate universes, I have a character for a story I'm working on for a game that I'm working on. Basically, he is my alter ego. He is unique in the sense that he has no emotion. He doesn't feel happiness, sadness, fear, love, anger, etc. I wish I had no emotions. I really think I would've been better off without them. I would be able to think clearer, and I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of the negative emotions. Of course, with this kind of personality, hardly anyone would want to befriend me, but it wouldn't bother me because of it. I'm too sensitive to simply ignore my feelings. What I try to do is be neutral with everything. Trying to keep a balance within my psyche so that I'm not teetering off either end between positive and negative thoughts. But what has been really happening is that I'm putting so much of a particular subject on one end and doing to the same to the other side. It's like trying to put fifty pounds on each side of a scale when the weight limit is three pounds. The scale is going to break, as is my mind is going to. So right now, I'm finding no drive to get myself involved with anything anymore. I'm dead weight. I would rather be nothing. This way, I'm not burdening anyone with my existence. Which brings up the matter of my family. They are hypocrites of the highest degree. They say that they love me or care about me, but then they go and yell and complain to me when I f*** something up or not do anything in general. They could at least just say that I'm a disappointment and a failure. I would respect them more for telling me the truth. The big thing right now is getting my driver's license. My dad's car is going to crap out at any moment can't exactly be going through winter conditions. So what he wants me to do is to get my license and drive one of my grandparents' cars so that I can go to and from college, but then I would have to deal with insurance and blah, blah, blah - I've said all this before. I don't want to work and go to college at the same time. I'm not that kind of person. Right now, I would rather be working at a fast-food restaurant than getting an associate's degree. At least I'd be working toward my freedom from my family. A couple days ago, I got myself a savings and a checking account, so that's one step toward my goal. I'm not really sure what events took place that led me to getting them, but it happened and I'm not complaining.

Well, either I got all I wanted to get out or my mind is exhausted. Could go either way, I guess. I'm getting really, really tired of myself and what I'm doing. I'm just going to end up not doing anything and hope that I can find peace in nothingness.