Becoming depressed again.
I guess it's that time of the month... No, not THAT you simpletons. The time in which I force myself to update my journal. As per the title of this post, either I'm becoming depressed again, or I'm thinking too much... again. There isn't much difference between the two due to their relationship. I could have been just thinking too much on things which lead to me being listless, or because of my emotional state, I've been thinking heavily on things in my lethargic psyche. See what I mean about thinking too much on things? I'm not sure which one it is yet. Could be both. Kinda like some perpetual loop of thought and state of mind that had no starting point. If I am truly depressed, I should at least know what's bumming me. Well, I don't know. Maybe THAT'S what's bothering me. The fact that I don't know why the way I am, why I think the way I do, or why I do things in a certain way. Should anyone know why they are who they are? Would it help me at all to know any of this? I'm not sure, and I probably never will. I think I want to know this is because I want to change myself, but I'm not sure why. I never know the reasons for things I want. The biggest problem of this is wanting to be with Candra. One day I just questioned myself, "Why do I love her?" I couldn't give myself a reasonable answer to that. If I don't have a reason for loving her, then I shouldn't be able to. How is it logical to love someone without a reason? For about four years I never had a reason for longing over someone. What had come over me that day when I developed these feelings for her? What caused this irrational, spontaneous thought in my head? I just now remembered my thing on human abstractions. Not everything is controlled by the brain. I must've been thinking about her with my heart. I remember now of the first moments of how I felt this way. It was... bliss.

The creative thoughts I had produced while enamored with love had been like nothing I've ever done before. I had not considered pursuing poetry as one of my major art styles back then, but when I fell in love, I was happy with my creativity. It may not have been a drawing, as is what my major interest is in, but it was art. Shying myself and being obstructed from Candra had hampered my creativity severely for a good while now. Maybe... this is why I think more logically now. My creative side had been shut down harshly and the logic part took over. Alas, this is just one POSSIBLE reason why I am who I am. So now, all I'm left with is my thoughts. No more can I simply reason with myself and figure out who I am, why I'm here, or even what I want. I have to find something worth collecting my thoughts on and go from there. Perhaps I can think about...