I honestly don't know anymore.
Back from a somewhat joyful Christmas break. It could've been better had I been in a better mood, but I guess I can't be happy even with the thought of getting new video games. That and just turning 18 should've been a shinning moment for me. Right now I just want to point out my flaws. In fact, I will. The fact that any people read this doesn't present any motivation for me to simply "publish" my thoughts. All I want is something to be able to look back on... and regret it.

My body, as far as my hormones go, is starting to revert to primal instinct. Apparently, I now find myself not just wanting a love, but some form of sexual output. (If I could think of a better way to say this, no one would be seeing it now.) My instincts are prodding me to pass my genetic information. Just like Solid Snake, I don't want to succumb to the natural instinct of human survival.(Those who actually follow good storylines know of this from the MGS series.) True, it's mainly because I'm not fit for raising a child, but it also has to do with some other things. I really don't care for my genetic structure, to say the least. I would rather have my body launched into the sun then to pass my worthless genes. It may seem stupid, but actually I'm preventing future generations by sharing my genes. (Heart disease and baldness being amongst them...) I honestly think that I shouldn't have anything to do with corrupting the future. I also don't want to be anymore involved in family relations. It's things like relatives that I've only seen once in my lifetime that send me (As well as my brothers.) a X-mas gift every year. I didn't expect anything, and I'm not sure how to return the favor. I don't want to have anymore relations like this. That, and I've had family trouble apon my father's actions and I don't want to have to put anyone throughout what I've experienced. I'm going to just propose abstinence and just not have sex, period. After all, it doesn't seem that great as far as I'm concerned.

I fucked up in school, again. I won't graduate for the year, and I'll most likely have to take another year of school instead of taking summer courses. I'm just not comfortable in the social environment I'm in. I would've been better off if I was home-schooled. There are very few decent humans in my school as far as students go. Some of my teachers are about as logically reasonable as a pinata made out of pickles. The work they force us to do just doesn't make any sense for anyone to do. My English teacher expects the class to write a 15-20 sentence paragraph on whatever topic she puts up on the board every day. How is EVERYONE going to be able to write that much on EVERY SINGLE TOPIC? The answer is an impossibility. It just can't be done. If she wants us to write something, it should be something we want to write about. Apparently to her, everyone is supposed to have an opinion on everything she has in her fucking class planner. It's total bullshit. Hell, with the logical reasoning I have, I should be the one teaching these fuckheads.

The big thing that has been screwing me up is my mental processing. I still have depression. I can't concentrate anymore. I don't do anything that I once used to do everyday, especially drawing. I loved to draw. Now I can't find any motivation to draw anymore. I'm not me anymore. I've changed a lot since when I was a child. I don't know when I changed, but it's obvious to me that I did. My mind has been processing every logical aspect of my reason for existence and there is nothing to be found. I have no purpose in life, yet I can't die now. That is what my mind is telling me, and I'm not sure why. I have dreams of being a video game producer, but the chances of me being able to get a job, let alone a career, is highly minimal. This is only thing I want that doesn't involve another person directly. Speaking of which, I'm starting to believe that I made a horrible mistake with the one I love... or loved, I should say. My feelings for Candra have nearly died out. The only reason for this is that she is with another guy. I'm not jealous. I'm not angry. I just don't want to interfere with someone's happiness. I don't know if I'll confront her about this. I'm not sure I ever will. The thing about it is that if I can't get her love, I won't love ever again. The disappointment of losing a love is hard, but I learned something a while ago. I may think I love her, but really all I have is a crush on her. I don't know her well enough to love her. Even still, I had strong feelings for her, but now I can't even touch her heart. Perhaps she wasn't meant for me. After all, I'm still young and have a ways to go before I should find true love.